When I started down this path, my life was wide open. I had just quite a job I hated, I was ambitious and excited and had all the time in the world to throw myself into my writing. I worked tirelessly, as has been my nature, and slowly but surely I pieced together this precious little space. My intention was to create a community of like-minded individuals, a network of action-oriented optimists to move and shake and make the world a better place. And . . . I think I did! We have done amazing things here, you and I. Whether you found Bonzai at it’s beginning, or whether you joined us somewhere along the way, or even if you just arrived last week, you’ve all played a part in making this place incredible. Thank you.

But there have been hard parts, too. For me, there are times when it’s difficult to live my life on display. At first I really appreciated being held accountable; it was motivating, and I loved connecting with people on a similar path. I found it empowering to feel like I was making a difference in the world. That may sound silly, but I’ve received enough emails by now that I do believe I’ve played some small but important part in changing a lot of lives. These emails light me up, and often bring me to tears. Every email, every single one, has filled me with gratitude. That has meant more to me than anything else, and has really become the force that keeps me moving forward here.

Over the years I’ve grown, and everything else has grown too. I’ve become a mother! Things have changed. My responsibilities and obligations, my day-to-day life and the way I use my time, and many of my priorities, have had to shift. And oh boy have I fought it! Often to my detriment, I have fought it. I can run myself ragged but the truth is, I no longer have the singular focus and endless energy to throw myself into this project. Bonzai is so much more than just a series of isolated blog posts, you know? Nurturing a community takes a lot of energy.

~~~

There’s a few things that you should know.

See, there’s this elephant in the blogosphere.
When I created Bonzai, I dreamed of a space that would provide for others what I’d wished I had for myself: a place to belong and to be inspired. A space for hope and positivity, for sharing ideas and spurring creativity, with simple mindful solutions for building a better, more beautiful life. I had nothing but the best intentions.

What I’ve since come to realize is that this is an unfair model. In the process of preserving Bonzai as a “happy place”, I’ve painted an incomplete image of my life. And although I always knew that it was only a partial picture, I realized (too late) that this [mis]representation – even coming from a place of caring – was having unintended consequences.

To be clear, this is a problem that goes well beyond Bonzai Aphrodite. The same thing is happening all over the blogosphere (especially with “mommy bloggers”), and it’s something I’d love to see addressed by the larger community.

The dilemma essentially is this: bloggers want to perpetuate positivity. To lift people up and empower them. We want to show you beautiful things. Or maybe I should just speak for myself. That’s what I want.

But in doing so, we paint an unrealistic, idealized version of a person – me – and of a life – my life. Again, just speaking for myself, I fear that I’ve created an impossible standard. A measuring stick whereby readers, trying to live up, will always believe they fall short. I know this because I’m also on the other side of it, with other bloggers, comparing myself to my perception of them, and feeling like I’m “less than”. And I know it because people write to me, feeling just exactly that way after reading Bonzai.

This is a real problem and it really breaks my heart. I don’t ever want to play a part in someone feeling bad about themselves.

It’s something I think about a lot these days, but as of yet I haven’t been able to see a perfect solution. (And it’s entirely possible that there isn’t one.)


Postpartum Anxiety.
So yes, there are parts of myself that I choose not to share on Bonzai. That’s pretty obvious I guess, since I’ve never gabbed about my sex life and I’ve never discussed the specifics of my finances. And along those lines, something that I’ve kept private is the difficulty I’ve experienced as a parent. Becoming a mother has been a really rough transition for me, actually, and I struggle with it . . . a lot.

It wasn’t even until a few months ago, more than 18 months postpartum, that I realized my suffering went beyond the normal aches and pains of adjustment. That it was more than just me being bad at this (which, sadly, is something I’d considered).

The problem is that they always talk about postpartum depression, and I didn’t feel depressed. I wasn’t sad or listless or losing sleep or extra sleepy or losing weight or extra hungry or any of those other signs of depression. I was just . . . anxious. All the time. And irritable and short-tempered and angry. As a pacifist and someone who deeply values compassion and communication and cooperation, this was pretty horrifying for me. It threw me for a loop and consequently, I’ve been cloaked in shame and self-doubt for a very, very long time. And all the while, I didn’t really realize it was happening.

I don’t want to get into the details of it here (this is an epically long post as it is), but if you’re interested in learning more about postpartum anxiety, you should read this blog post, because it describes what I’ve experienced to a tee. Like, exactly. I couldn’t have written it better myself.

I just want to say, now, that I’m so sorry for keeping this from you. At first I was just confused, and then it grew into embarrassment, and eventually self-loathing settled in. I know that mental health issues carry an unfair stigma and I wish I’d had more of a grasp on what was really happening to me, so that I could have shared my process with you. As it was, I hardly even realized it was happening, and mostly I was just trying to put my head down and hold strong, get through it, and put on a pretty face in the meantime.

I’m sorry.


But ultimately, my life is too full.
Since Waits was born I’ve written two books, maintained a thrice-weekly blog-posting schedule, and kept up with freelance writing work, all while parenting full time, trying to be a good wife and partner, keeping house, and making most of our food from scratch. Oh, and being a dog mom and chicken guardian and farmer/gardener. It’s a lot that I’ve been juggling.

Over the years, one of the most frequent questions I’ve received is: “How the hell do you do it all?” Ha! But I’ll tell you the truth. For the first time, I’ll actually answer the damn question.

It comes at great cost. In order to “do” so much and give so much of myself, I set aside the things which are the most important. I sacrifice my relationships.

I skip relaxing craft nights with girlfriends, and evenings spent on double dates, and unlimited afternoon reading time with my kid, and weekends away and weekends doing *nothing* at all and having the space in my day for a spontaneous picnic, and all the other moments that make life, you know . . . sort of actually worth living. Not that I never have fun, because I do, but so much of it – too much of it – is buried under a pile of stress and deadlines, pushed back with promises of “later” and “when/then”.

I. Am. So. Burned. Out.

I’m an atheist, did you know that? So no afterlife for me. I only get one shot. I used to believe that in my 100 or so years of existence, I had to make my indelible mark on the world. Do something great. Secure my spot in the annals of history so that I’d be . . . remembered.

But I don’t think that’s what it’s about, anymore. Because even the most important person ever – even Mozart or Einstein or Alexander the Great – even they are just a blip in the entirety of human history, and all of human history is just a blip in the entirety of the Universe. I know that it sounds like a 14-year-old’s acid trip “deep thought”, but for me, it’s been an epiphany.

If I only get 100 or so years of existence, I better make damn sure that I enjoy them.

~~~

So, why am I telling you all this?

Because I need to step away. I need to stop blogging. It breaks my heart and I’ve fought it for a long time, but I know, deep down, that it has to happen. At least for now.

I need to clear everything out so that I can really see. I need some quiet so that I can take stock. I need to slow down. I need to know what it feels like to not always live a week (or a month) behind at my life. I need to find my happy, because I seem to have misplaced it.

So this is my goodbye-for-now. This is my goodbye to Bonzai.

I’ll still be around the Internet though, sharing interesting finds and my freelance articles on my Facebook page. And tweeting my general musing, random thoughts, and silly silliness, through my Twitter. I’m sure I’ll continue to flood the net with photos of my kid, via @sayward on Instagram (or Followgram) (also Tumblr) And I’ll definitely continue to obsessively curate my little collections on my Pinterest boards. Bonzai will stay here, just exactly as it is now.

But yeah, who am I kidding. That’s not the same. And this hurts. I have a knot in my belly the size of Kansas and I feel like I’m letting everyone down, and I’m sorry, and I’ll miss you. I just really hope you can understand.

And I hope that I’ll see you ‘round the Internet.

And I hope you know how sincerely I cherish you. Thank you so much for being a part of this.

With all my love and from the bottom of my heart,

*** I’ve been absent lately when it comes to answering comments, questions, and emails. I’m sure it was just my way of keeping some [emotional] distance as I prepared for this post. But I want you to know, I *will* be going through and responding to everything. It may take me some time, but I will.

As well, I’m about halfway through my Great Grand Diet Trial. Im not one who likes to leave unfinished business, so I do plan to post the rest of that series. Eventually.

“Cooking with Cultures“, the book would be called. Because lord knows the Internet is over run with tutorials on how to *make* fermented foods (Am / I / right?), but there’s not a whole lot of direction regarding what to *do* with said foods, once they’re made.

And that’s what I’ve been dreaming about for the past few years. Unexpected, creative ways of incorporating cultured foods into every kind of meal. Breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. Sauces, desserts, and beverages. And this recipe, when it first came to me . . . well that was the spark that ignited the whole idea.


Tempeh + Pesto = Tempesto

Ingredients:
4 cups packed basil leaves
1 cup crumbled tempeh (steam it first if you care to cut the bitterness)
1/2 cup olive oil, more if needed
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
2 tablespoons white miso
2-5 cloves garlic, as preferred
sea salt and cracked pepper to taste

I served this batch of tempesto over rice spirals, with home-roasted tomatoes and green olives.

Instructions:
Place all ingredients in a food processor or blender and mix until completely combined. Adjust oil and seasoning, and serve – over pasta, as a sandwich spread, atop tofu or seitan, in a bean salad, as a party dip, or any other way you can conceive of using pesto.

The taste of the tempeh is completely masked (Damian is *not* a tempeh fan, but I serve this to him and he never notices). However if you’re concerned, you can replace half the tempeh with your favorite pesto-friendly nut (walnuts are my favorites, while pine nuts are traditional).

It keeps well and makes great leftovers!

Enjoy!

1. Green juice in the winter sun; 2. new vintage scores set my heart aflutter; 3. bread-stravaganza

Oi Oi! Hellooooo there, and happy Friday! LOOK OUT! *whoosh* that’s the sound of this week flying by. Right?? I can’t believe the weekend is here already!

~~~

And you know what that means! Without further ado, please bring on Le Love List!

1. Massage.
Massaged: I got it. Ooooooh yeah. But get this, it was actually my birthday present from LAST year, my 30th b-day, from Damian. But what with the book-writing and the toddler-care-taking and the blog-posting and with life being oh-so-life-y all the damn time, well, I guess it slipped my mind. Damian emailed me last week saying “Uh, this is gonna expire if you don’t use it!”.

And so I did. A year and a few days later, I got my 30th birthday massage. For my 31st birthday!

And let me just tell you . . . I came home from that appointment and promptly placed a mason jar on top of my dresser. “Mommy’s Massage Fund”. Ohhhhh yes.


2. Retail Therapy.
I used my “off night” this week to take a long (long!) stroll through ye olde Value Village (ha!), blew some birthday cash and scored a few new bags (oh I heart you cheapy cheap Value Village!) of awesome winter clothes. It was just what I needed and oh-so-fun. ♥

3. Waits, the little vegan.
Waits loves to mimic everything that we say and do. He loves to talk on the “phone” (which could be anything from a wooden block to an apple), and one of his favorite phone calls is “ordering Thai food” (what does this say about Damian and I? haha). For a few weeks now he’s been picking up his “phone” and saying, “Hello! Thai?” . . . “Tofu” . . . “Mice!” (that’s rice)

But this week: “Hello! Thai?” . . . “Mice” . . . “No EGG!” . . . “No FEESH!

Ahhhhhhhhh! My head pretty much exploded at the sweetness. Also with that video up there? He is too much, I can’t take it!

Also! winter sun // dreaming and scheming with girlfriends // planning slumber parties // a 4-course, all-local, communal dining experience // reading Plate to Pixel and feeling so inspired // bright yellow // polka dots // finding new blogs and reading them “cover to cover” (what’s the blog equivalent?) and then feeling creepy because you have totally developed a one-sided “friendship” (COME ON WE ALL DO IT!) // but really, finding a blog worth reading like that is a rare and wonderful thing . . .

~~~

Alright guys, now it’s your turn – tell me what you’re loving this week!


My darlings, this happy little post will stay at the top of the page all weekend, so stop by any time to leave your Love List, ask a question, or offer some feedback! Or if you’re new, please introduce yourself and say ‘Oi!’! This is your community, so get involved!


I hope you all have a sunny (or at least sunny-in-your-heart) weekend!

Smack dab in the middle of a very, very good weekend.

This weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday! After last year’s 30th B-Day Bash-stravaganza, I was more than happy to keep my celebrating simple and sweet. And I was totally successful.

I spent the weekend lazing about with my two favorite menfolk. Laughing and laughing and laughing. Feeling like I was in love with the world (and my family!). And of course, eating really amazing vegan food. Lots of eating . . .


Friday


It started just like every day. A breakfast plate and play time. Coffee and cleaning. This magnificent mug (who needs the sun, right?)



We made a badass smoothie, the usual(ish) (banana, water, ice, spinach, sprouts, spirulina, protein, vitamin k2, maca, probiotics) plus a few frozen strawberries. Totally out of season but hey, it’s my birthday!



Not so pretty, but dang it was great.

That afternoon I had some fun in the kitchen . . .

Irish moss is so weird.

. . . which led to . . .

Raw ice cream! Strawberries N’ Cream

Raw pudding! Chocolate Chunk.

YUUUUUUUUUMMM. I didn’t write the recipes down, but it was my first time playing with fresh mature coconut flesh and I’d say it was a success. Great flavor, suuuper rich. Irish moss paste (it’s made from seaweed!) gives it an amazingly light and fluffy texture. I’m looking forward to playing with this pair a whole lot more in the future . . .

That night we dropped Waits off with our friends, and took a little trip . . .



I had been invited to the pre-opening of the brand new Veggie Grill in nearby Beaverton. Veggie Grill is quickly-expanding chain out of southern California, serving awesome vegan versions of familiar “fast food” fare. Of course, it’s a whole lot healthier than your typical burger joint, with sweet potato fries and steamed kale and tempeh on the menu!




We started with an appetizer of buffalo wings, which was salty and spicy and tangy and ohmigosh so good. It’s been a long time since I’ve tasted those flavors! (though I’m almost certain they use Gardein, and I wish they made their own meats in-house, a la Native Foods)

For dinner Damian had the Santa Fe Crispy Chickin’ with sweet potato fries:



And I had the VG-Cheeseburger with steamed kale:



Damian loved his meal and I thought mine was good, though a bit greasy. The kale was spectacular! All in all I think Veggie Grill is a great addition to the Portland scene. I actually really appreciate that they are taking a different approach to vegan dining. They are situated in a strip mall, in a suburb. They offer a clean, familiar, family-friendly atmosphere and an un-intimidating menu. This is the kind of place where veg-curious omnis will go, and I’m pretty sure they’ll come back, again and again and again. It’s an important component of the worldwide vegan takeover! But seriously, I do think it’s important and I’m all for it. Yay Veggie Grill!

Date night.

Saturday

Saturday was a run-around, have-fun-around sort of day. Foodie highlights include an enormous fajita burrito:



Afternoon treats and coffee:




And that night we had a very small gathering at a friend’s house. We pretty much ate guacamole and fancy olives and caramel truffles for dinner. Then we had cake!

The carrot cake that killed me this weekend (such a sweet way to go . . . )

Sunday


On Sunday morning we made bread, like we always do these days. It’s one of my favorite parts of the week.

Afterwards, we hit up the all-you-can-eat brunch buffet at Sweetpea. This time it was southern-style! Biscuits and gravy, taters, tofu scramble, and tons of kale. There were also grits and some sort of berry dessert but I didn’t try any of those. It was A-MAZING (as always):



Then we played in the rain . . .



. . . and ran some errands in our rain boots . . .



And finally, made our way home for an early Sunday supper. Fresh-baked bread (sprouted wheat sourdough), home-cooked chili (it had been simmering on the stove all day, mmm) and a big-ass bad-ass crisp romaine salad.




And that, my friends, is pretty much my idea of a perfect weekend.

Hope you had a great one as well! ♥ ♥ ♥

also, just an fyi: I drink lots of water throughout the day, and I never mention it. Waits still nurse – a lot – probably 10+ times per day, and I never note that either. yup yup!

At the end of 2011 I was given the opportunity to attend an amazing web-based parenting class called Raising A Humane Child. The class is mentor-led but self-motivated, and is held through The Institute For Humane Education (IHE), a non-profit educational organization dedicated to “creating a humane world”. And they’re kind of incredible.

The IHE offers a variety of courses, everything from an accredited graduate program, to summer seminars for teachers, to in-person workshops and online parenting classes. It’s really an amazing institution and I encourage you to check it out!

You know how they say, “you attract that which you need”, or “the right people come into your life at the right time”, and other such sentiments? Well, Raising A Humane Child was offered to me at a point in my parenting journey that could only be describes as a “low”. I was frustrated and discouraged and desperate for guidance. And this course became my bright light at the end of the tunnel.

There are two main components to the class, which include 1) reading the course text, Above All, Be Kind: Raising A Humane Child In Challenging Times, and 2) assignments which are provided (and then “due”) every other day. The structure is non-demanding and the course leader is very flexible. There are no grades, and you don’ even have to submit your exercises if you’d prefer to keep them private. The focus is on discussion, sharing, learning, and growing. From the introductory material:

“There is no blueprint for raising a humane child. However, the premise of Above All, Be Kind and this course is that if we bring the tools of a humane educator to our parenting, our children will have the greatest opportunities to manifest their deepest values – learned largely from us as parents – and become ever more humane: compassionate, kind, honest, generous, and wise.”

This class is much more about examining your own life and your own belief system, than it is so much a “guide to parenting”. The accompanying text, Above All, Be Kind is not actually a text book at all. But it’s an awesome resource, and I’d recommend it for any parent really, regardless of whether or not you want to take the class.

The coursework itself is simply a series of exercises, a sort of directed self-discovery. There are no right or wrong answers, only personal realizations. For example, I found it very valuable to do things like . . . “list and discuss the values that I have absorbed through my culture, community, and media, that do not actually represent the core of who I am”. Or perhaps . . . “examine what I model – what qualities I demonstrate for my child – and if they match my values”. These are *big-picture* concepts that most of us have probably thought about in a general sense, but it’s very different to sit down, and write down, the specific thoughts and feelings and intentions that you have around such ideas.

Being accountable to the course forced me to reflect on these *big-picture* abstract concepts, and turn them into real-life applications that will inform my parenting choices. Obviously, this was invaluable! The lessons that I learned there will shape the way I parent, and probably the way I live, for the rest of my life.

So needless to say, I can’t recommend it highly enough. But one word of caution – be prepared to take it seriously! The pace moves quickly and you don’t want to fall behind. Make sure that you’ve opened up your schedule so that you can give the course the attention that it really deserves. I speak from experience here! Oi . . .

~~~

Have you ever taken a parenting class? Was it helpful? If not, is there a book or other resource that has influenced your parenting choices? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!

Good food . . .



Good times . . .



Good kid . . .


(and it’s a good thing he can’t read!) (that’s my old college calculator – his new favorite toy. ha!)



Oi Oi! Haaaaaappy Friday! I had a long week full of highs and lows, and I’m so glad that the weekend’s here. Bring on the fun times! Do you have anything fun planned for this weekend?

~~~

I just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve updated my Juice Beauty review from Monday. The kind folks at Juice Beauty are offering a special gift plus free shipping to Bonzai readers! Very cool – check it out!.

~~~

And with business out of the way, we move on to the goodness, the greatness, Le Love List!

1. This article.

“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.”

I don’t usually put things like this on my love list, but this one really resonated with me. I think it will resonate with the rest of you parents, too. And just in case you’ve ever wondered – yes, I relate to and have felt EVERY thing expressed in that article. Yup yup.


2. New friends.
Awesome women coming into my life these days, from all directions, just when I need them. Thanks for the talks and the coffee and the coffee with vodka, for the baby wrangling and the longer-than-we-needed drives home, for the commiseration and the understanding, and for letting me look like an ass (literally) when I showed up with the ass of my shorts split wide open (unbeknownst to me) (NOT my finest moment). But really, thanks.


3. MY BIRTHDAY!!!
Sunday is the day, but the whole weekend will be for celebrating. Yay! Fun times! BRING IT ON!

Also! walking and talking in the rain with my baby zipped up completely under my sweatshirt // Grey’s Anatomy marathons that go past midnight . . . every night // our weekly trip to the library to pick a new book // Waits starting to make sentences // planning for future endeavors (what to do, what to do???) // dreaming of fermented adventures // snow // MY BIRTHDAY . . .

~~~

Alright guys, now it’s your turn – tell me what you’re loving this week!


My darlings, this happy little post will stay at the top of the page all weekend, so stop by any time to leave your Love List, ask a question, or offer some feedback! Or if you’re new, please introduce yourself and say ‘Oi!’! This is your community, so get involved!


I hope you all have a spectacular weekend!

Tuesday night. 10:18 pm. Long day, late work, but at least the world is slowly disappearing under a quiet cloud of ivory crystals outside my window. And life is beautiful, no?

Sometimes it can be hard to stay on a healthy track in winter. Here’s how I made it work . . . at least for today:

Enter: sprouts! There’s nothing more fresh – they are literally alive! Full of minerals and amino acids, totally easy to grow at home. I made my first plate of sprouts this weekend (in the sprouting jar, I just finished them off on the plate in the sunny window) and today they went into the smoothie. I’ll keep them in rotation and this way, I’ll have fresh food all winter. Smoothies, salads, sandwiches. Delicious!




This was like a super-vitamin! I’m on a bit of a supplement kick, haha. This smoothie had water + banana + ice + spinach + sprouts, plus the following additions: Sun Warrior protein powder, spirulina, Cal-Mag Plus (the “plus” is zinc and vitamin D), Truly Natural Vitamin C powder, vitamin K2, Maca powder. Whew!



After I poured mine I added coconut milk, reblended, and then poured a glass for Waits. Need to get those calories in for him where I can!

After smoothies we had our bath and then I tried to put Waits down for his nap. But he was teething something fierce, and just wouldn’t settle down. So I loaded him up in the car. Sometimes a quick drive is the only way I can get him to sleep. Sometimes mama just needs a drive-thru coffee to get her over the hump . . .




Afternoon


I ate lunch while Waits napped. Homemade split pea soup with a side of blue corn chips (with a tiny bit of leftover hummus).

When Waits woke up we went straight for the juicer . . .


Juice!




Cilantro-celery-spinach-apple. PERFECTION.

Then I packed us up for our errands




I brought along the travel snack cup, with black beans + nutritional yeast + sunflower seeds. The sunflower seeds add a bit of fat since he doesn’t like it when I add oil to things.

On our way home from the library, we stopped by Trader Joe’s, where Waits tore into the carrots and peanut butter during his cart ride. Not pictured.


Night


Pizza! On a homemade whole wheat sourdough crust. I really loved this dinner, for two reasons. First, because it sprang from the mind of my dearest, who said to me: “Let there be pizza! And let it have pesto AND green olives AND savory soy curls!” And I was like “That just sounds crazy enough that it just might work!” It did.

And second, because it put to use some of my summer stash. Like bell peppers, which I’d chopped and frozen at their peak of freshness. And pesto, made by the gallon (and frozen in ice cube trays) when both walnuts and basil were super cheap and in season:


And these black eyed peas, which I made in bulk and froze in small batches. (not seasonal, just economical)


I actually blended about a cup of the beans into 1/2 cup of pesto, to make a creamy, protein-y pesto spread. It was great in big ol’ dollops on the pizza, burried under all those other toppings.


Savory soy curls, bell peppers, caramelized onions, and green olives. SO YUM.

I also made a salad:


Romaine, carrots, red onion, kalamata olives, nutritional yeast, fresh garlic, and red wine vinegar. SO YUM.

And Waits’s little plate:


Awww. He’s such an olive fiend.


Dessert


I made a cookie pie. Hey, it’s my birthday on Sunday!

But seriously, I couldn’t resist after Bonzai reader Joselle linked to this recipe. A flourless, chickpea-based, gluten-free soy-free dessert of awesome. It was too weird. I was too curious. I had to try it! And it was awesome.

SO YUM.

edited to add: I wrote this after tasting the cookie pie straight out of the oven, at which point it truly was SO YUM. However after it cooled, I could definitely taste more of the . . . bean-y-ness. I think it’s still good, but if you’re not used to “healthy” desserts, this might be sort of strange. Damian said, “It’s good . . . but it does have a sort of . . . er . . . *Mediterranean* flavor . . .” Ha!

And now, it’s 12:14 am. And now, I retire.

However. A few months ago I received an email from a representative at Juice Beauty, asking if I’d like to sample some of their line. And where I would usually shoot back a polite “no thanks!”, this time I had to pause. Because here’s the thing: I don’t know if it’s from becoming a mother, or turning thirty, or just the dry air up here in the Pacific Northwest. Maybe it’s all three. Maybe it’s because I’m such a stress case. (Ha!) But whatever the cause, the results are clear: my face could use a little lovin’.

OKAY SO HERE’S THE THING! I know that “laugh lines are love tracks” and all that happy hippy jazz. I know that “natural is beautiful” and that the hypocritical patriarchy teaches us that men will blossom with age while women will wither, and I’m not supposed to care about my fine lines and impending wrinkles and Oh, Oh! how vain I must be.

But whatevs. We only get a few precious trips around the sun, and I’m all about maximizing pleasure on mine. Because feeling like I look good* makes me feel good, and confidence allows me to have more fun. Period. (*my definition of good, mind you, not anybody else’s)

And that was good enough for me. I said yes.

[source]

Juice Beauty

Part of maximizing pleasure, for me at least, is feeling like I’m making positive choices and doing my best to work towards a better world. Cheesy, I know, but it’s absolutely inseparable from who I am (believe me, I wish I could turn it off – that’s probably a whole other post – another time!) So even in the pursuit of vanity, it was important that I keep in accordance with my ethics.

Juice Beauty was borne out of necessity, when the founder became pregnant and couldn’t find any products that both a) met her high standards of quality, and b) actually worked. So she did it herself. Yay DIY! You can read the whole story here.

The company offers a range of products, targeting everything from oily skin to dry skin, to sensitive skin care and sunscreens. They also have a makeup line which I’m dying to try! (2012 will be the year I actually make an effort with makeup – again, another post!)

And for me? This is an excerpt from the email I sent to Shankar, their Managing Director, after he contacted me:

“I’m especially interested in “wrinkle” creams/facial care/anti-aging face products, that sort of stuff. On my blog I promote living as naturally as possible, so I tend to just skip most beauty products entirely – shampoo, conditioner, body lotion, etc. I don’t use that stuff at all, so I wouldn’t feel right reviewing it.

I haven’t used any products on my face or body in about a year. My body is fine, and my skin seems hydrated and happy. But I feel like my face is sort of dry and showing a bit of age. I used to use eye creams and stuff, back in my “chemical cosmetic” days, and unfortunately, they worked! Now, I want something like that – something that can give the same results but that I can feel good about rubbing into my skin every day.”

And this is what he sent me:



The Stem Cellular Repair kit, which includes Booster Serum, Repair Moisturizer, and Repair Eye Treatment.

I used this system daily until it was gone, and all I have to say is: THIS STUFF IS AWESOME. In the middle of winter (dry air, no sun), in the middle of the holidays (lots of sugar and processed foods), my skin looked amazing. It looked the kind of amazing that it looks like after a few weeks of all-raw in the middle of summer. Over Christmas, Damian’s grandma kept telling me “You look positively radiant!” and “You’re complexion is just amazing!” and “I just can’t get over how incredible your skin looks!”. Like, over and over. And people have been saying that to me a lot lately.

Dudes, if that’s not a testimonial then I don’t know what is.

The only sad part is that I ran out a few weeks ago and now my skin has slipped back into its standard winter slump. I need to re-up. Oh Juice Beauty, I miss you so!

~~~

There are a few downsides I should mention if I’m going to give a well-rounded review. Cons:

1. The scent is very strong, so much so that the first time I used the product, right before bed, it actually interfered with me getting to sleep. It’s not a bad smell necessarily (sort of lemony), it’s just very strong and I found it a bit cloying. To be fair, I hadn’t had a scented product on my face in a LONG time, so that may have had something to do with it. Regardless, I just switched to using the products in the morning instead. I got used to the smell pretty quickly; problem solved.

2. This stuff ain’t cheap. And the portions are pretty small. For something that’s SO healthful and works SO well, I understand why it costs a lot and I do think it’s worth it. Still, many of us live on tight budgets so I thought it was an important point to mention. This stuff is amazing but it’s not exactly budget-friendly.

~~~

All in all, I adore Juice Beauty and consider myself a convert. I’m thrilled to have an anti-aging cream that does its job, but that doesn’t rely on nasty toxic ingredients. As far as I’m concerned that’s a dream come true!

EDIT!
After posting this review, and with so much interest in the comments, I recieved this email from Lauren over at Juice Beauty:

“Please share with your readers that they will receive a free full-size Organic Facial Moisture Concentrate + Free Shipping for orders $30 or more with promo code BONZAI

Promo will be valid only through the end of January!”

Wahoo! I’ll definitely be taking advantage of this generous offer (birthday present to myself, w00t!), and I hope you guys enjoy it too! Also please know, I don’t get any commission for this, or anything shady like that. I just really dig this company and I’m happy to have found something natural that WORKS, and I want to share the love.

My week

What a week! And it’s Friday night and it’s after 10 and I’m just now able to sit down and write, so I’m going to keep this short and sweet. Straight into . . .


. . . Le Love List!


1. Dentist!.
It’s been over three years, oh god, and I was scared. But I have NO new cavities and I have EXCELLENT bone health and my gingivitis is minor and a direct result of nursing-related hormones (ie, will clear up when Waits weans). Fixed a cracked crown. Polished up the ol’ chompers and whattaya know, underneath the green juice and coffee stains, they’re still pretty pearly white. Wahoo!


2. Midwife.
All’s clear on the southern front! I also relinquished eight or so vials of blood for various hormone, nutrition, and general health tests. Results are trickling in but so far my thyroid is spectacular, my hormone levels all seem normal, and my serum B12 is in the upper range of normal, yay! (I use this spray, by the way) So far so good (great, even) but I’m still waiting for a few tests. I’m quite curious about my vitamin D levels . . .

NO I’M NOT PREGNANT! haha

Ironic apron for the win.

3. Bread From Scratch
Last weekend I baked my first loaf of soaked and soured (ie fermented) bread, using the sourdough starter I inherited from my father-in-law over the holidays. I can’t quite describe the feeling I got from baking my own bread, lovingly getting it started late the night before, waking up early with Waits to knead together on the kitchen floor, checking in on it throughout the day, and then finally, that smell that crept through the whole house as it warmed in the oven for dinner. It was maybe the best bread I’ve ever had, and making it made me feel indescribably, inexplicably happy.

There will be more bread, oh yes but there will be more bread!

Also! raw lemon bars // Waits riding on my back as I crawl around the house on all fours // long walks with the ones I love // triple batches of my raw tahini dip // Waits getting giddy over “burfs” and “fwaps” (burps and farts, of course) // Waits starting to string multiple words together // spinach salad with kalamata olives, red onions, raw garlic, nutritional yeast, and grated carrot, oh my god I just can’t get enough! // the couch which is calling my name . . .

~~~

Alright guys, now it’s your turn – tell me what you’re loving this week!


My darlings, this happy little post will stay at the top of the page all weekend, so stop by any time to leave your Love List, ask a question, or offer some feedback! Or if you’re new, please introduce yourself and say ‘Oi!’! This is your community, so get involved!


Have a wonderful weekend guys!

Last Friday was just another boring day. Another boring day of delicious, healthy, high-raw homemade vegan food. It looked like this:

Then it was walk time. We took the poochies on a long meandering walk while I caught up with an old friend on the phone. After we walk, we blend.


Local Farmer’s Market bok choy! It went into the blender along with some homemade kombucha, spirulina, raw rice protein, frozen banana, and some maca I think. That was damn good. Waits agreed:




Beautiful, bright, and brimming with nourishment!


While we drank our smoothies I prepped my lunch, which was raw sprouted buckwheat soaked in [non-raw, store-bought] almond yogurt.


Afternoon


After smoothies we bathe, and after bath we nap. Well, Waits naps. I work. And eat buckwheat yogurt mix, topped with peanut butter and apricot jam.


Damian came home from work early. He fed Waits peanut butter straight from the jar, while I made us a tall glass of green juice.


See? Cucumber-kale-parsley-celery, with 1/2 an apple for sweetness.

I had some more coffee somewhere in here too. Unpictured.


Night


Homemade chili.


Spinach salad.


Cornbread in the cast iron.

And together:




And for the wee man:


A little bit of everything, but he likes the olives the best. Smart boy.


Dessert


Raw chai cheesecake left over from Christmas night (don’t worry guys, it was in the freezer!) Epic.

And that was it, just another day back in the swing of life. And you know? Life is precious and dynamic and beautiful all on its own, every day. We don’t really need holidays to tell us that.

~~~

Most days I actually wear more than one outfit, did I ever tell you that? Yeah, I change my clothes at least once, if not twice, as my needs change throughout the day. Here’s what I wore on Saturday.

Vintage for my morning appointments and errands:



And a bright hoodie with black skinnies for afternoon relaxing:




So, how are you liking life post-holidays? New start inspiration or back-in-the-grind slump?